The Week 33 Visit: Tips on how to remove bus track stains from maternity wear.

Dave and I just got back from our 33 week checkup today with our OB. I watched “The Business of Being Born” one very early morning a few weeks ago when I couldn’t sleep and it left me with a lot of anxiety and questions about birthing techniques. When I had initially brought up the topic of a birthing tub with her nurse practitioner, she shut me off immediately with, “The hospital doesn’t have any and we don’t do them. Your doctor will decide what’s best for you.” Every question I asked got shoved back at me with “The doctor will decide what’s best.” KaPOW. Whoa! What year is this? Who’s body is this??? And I’m in the “Women’s Practice”??? I didn’t ASK if it was OK to pursue this, I said I WANTED TO and please point me to the person who can make it HAPPEN! What the #$%&??! I’m not checking myself in to get cranked down some conveyor belt in a baby birthing factory. Sheesh!

Thankfully the visit with my doctor this morning was completely different. She encouraged me to use the pool to labor in, told me that they do indeed have pools at the hospital but encouraged me to do it at home as long as I possibly can, said that there are birthing balls and all sorts of amenities at our hospital and was generally really cool and very empowering. I told her no interventions unless it was life-threatening, that I’m a big fan of “pain management”, yaddah yaddah, and we’re all on the same page. I think she and her NP need to have a little chat about this stuff.

Anyway, when we reviewed the results of my fasting blood sugar test (I took it on Tuesday) she mentioned that my initial number was about 4 points higher than she would have liked. She said that I am not diabetic, but that she wants me to cut back on the carbs. —At which point Dave got uncharacteristically chatty and started throwing me under the bus left and right! “Oh. She eats ice cream. AND she eats Lucky Charms. Oh and she also eats cookies and she doesn’t drink enough water.” Thanks a LOT bub! Even the doctor stared at him with her jaw dropped open, then looked at me and said, “He TOTALLY ratted you out!” Yeah. And you know who buys this stuff? HE DOES. But oh no. He didn’t say that at all. “My wife is an alcoholic and I buy her a 12 pack of High Life every night.” No. Mr. Enabler kept that part hush-hush!

Very nice. I hope he has to watch them put that big needle in my back, and the labor pains, and the pushing and feels terrible. “Oh how could I have been so cruel to her? Look at what she is going through to bring my child into this world.” To make up for this slight, he will erect a huge hand-carved structure in my honor made from the rarest stone on earth. Maybe a castle. People will come from all over the world to marvel at this one man’s loving gesture to his wife. There will be a small exotic bird corral and friendly animals that children can pet and enjoy. And a snack stand that sells melon-flavored Italian ices. We’ll sell snow globes to tourists, be comfortably wealthy, and live happily ever after in our big castle of love.

*Dave says that he was improperly quoted verbatim BUT that the content of what was said is accurate.